A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing - the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent. HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. Hello?! The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips, and remember this motto: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season, Everyone!!
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"
Terrorist vs German Engineering
Mathmatics according to Marine General "Chesty Puller"
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its mo brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.
During one such conflict, a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, got on the horn to legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
General Puller asked for another count.... and got a similar, anxious answer: "Many, many, MANY Chinese!"
" %* # ! dammit ! " swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir ! ! ?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there ?"
"General, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count."
A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers
If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. You have more wives than teeth. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
THE BOX OFFICE
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan’ .
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman ? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It 'The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'
Our Favorite Military Bumper-Stickers
Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything
U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club
U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah
Stop Global Whining
When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine
The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight
Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back
Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!
What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil
Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It
Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon
Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume
It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting
Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl
One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support - Go Navy !
My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College
An Afghan Greeting Card
THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP
THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted, to speak to God. It comes in various sizes:
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
A United States Marine Corps Sniper
A Short Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' and the guy rode motorcycles, went fishing, hunting, played golf, left the toilet seat up, did whatever he wanted, and lived happily ever after.
A Letter Home From Parris Island
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled..
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 am But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls- eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Alice
A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!
'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' - G. K. Chesterton
A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both. 'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson
"A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy." --Samuel Adams
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 3. Have a plan. 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.' 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived. 13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 2. Kill every living thing within view. 3. Adjust Speedo. 4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. 2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing. 4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order. 2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee. 3. Curse bitterly. 4. Curse bitterly. 5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can get you killed. 6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail. 2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. 3. See what's on HBO. 4. Ask 'What is a gunfight'? 5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation. 6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives. 7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets. 8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally. 9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time. 10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea. 2. Drink Coffee. 3. Deploy Marines Go Navy !